Be my valentine, Internet
|February 14, 2012||Posted by Sophy Bot under Internet culture|
Dear Internet, Instructions prodecoder.
Will you be my valentine? You don’t have to show me your tubes or anything (though maybe when Grandpa Cray goes to sleep I can sneak a peek at your fiber optics). It’s just that… well, Internet, I love you. There, I said it. I’ve loved you since I first laid eyes on you, back in 1995 when you were still doing the whole HTML 2.0 thing and before you went through that ghastly frames and MIDI auto-play phase. That’s ok, internet. I’ve been through phases too. Remember my old AOL profile? We would pimp those things out before pimping things out was even a thing. And remember how you used to play me that little whirr-kcccchhh-whirr song as my trusty 28.8 dialed up and hooked into you? That was awful nice.
You sure did help me in school, Internet. Screw that Dewey Decimal and his boring card catalog. By the time I went to college, you left lame old Dewey in the dust. OK, I did still have a couple of Encyclopedia Britannica CD-ROMs hanging out at home, but we knew those wouldn’t last, didn’t we, Internet? Neither did those AOL ones, come to think of it. But none of that mattered anyways, Internet, because we both know when I really fell for you.
You went high speed for me.
Boy, Internet, I’m kinda glad that I was stuck with 56.6 until 2002 because you + DSL + Napster was enough to keep me tuned in for days on end. That was around the time you started to hide the borders on your HTML tables for a much sexier, more mature look. I guess that was when you left puberty, Internet. That’s ok. I went through it too.
Things went pretty fast for us after that, didn’t they, Internet? Before I knew it I was embracing your Wikipedia, touching your Facebook, ogling your YouTube. I couldn’t help it – you just got more and more alluring over the years, like some unending supply of vintage wine that gets better with every year. Pretty soon, we were inseparable. You left your wires behind and started following me everywhere I went. First it was just to coffee shops and airports, but next thing I knew you’d made your way into my back pocket and I knew then that I needed you near me all the time. Sure, you were doing it to others too – gals and guys both, though sometimes I’ve gotta admit you’re pushing it with the really young ones – but what did I care? Every time I looked at you, Internet, you showed me exactly what I wanted to see. With you, I was happy to share.
And so, Internet, I wanted to tell you that I love you. OK, you’ve got your bad sides (*cough* Rule 34 *cough*), but who doesn’t? Be my valentine, Internet, and I promise I won’t go to China or Syria until they stop judging you and just let you be.
p.s. I really would like to see your tubes though.
Image credit: joestump